How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
By David Brooks
Random House, New York
ISBN: 9780593230060
Book review for Authorlink.com by Kristin Clarke
Journalist and bestselling author David Brooks brings readers along on his personal quest to explore How to Know a Person—more specifically, how to make people feel valued, “seen,” and truly understood.” He is serious in the pursuit, explaining that he wants to better learn this skill for pragmatic reasons such as improving decision making, reinforcing positive spiritual benefits such as self-confidence and motivation, and solidifying “survival” in a pluralistic society.
Indeed, he views this knowledge-building as a critical life skill “at the heart of being a good person” and among “the most important skills a human being can possess.” That the foundational traits of empathy and open-heartedness are not taught in school is lamentable, since he believes people of any age can improve at the step-by-step “knowing” process with proper training, motivation, and role modeling.
Gaining “the practical knowledge about how to give each other the kind of rich attention we desire” would go a long way toward countering “the horrific civilizational failure” around us, writes Brooks in a fervent plea for readers to join him in rediscovering “ways to teach moral and social skills” both for themselves and others.
As an opinion columnist for The New York Times commenting on the turmoil and ethical quandaries of the day, Brooks is well aware and acknowledges that this effort to dive deeper into the psyches of surrounding people is challenging even in the best times, much less in the “current atmosphere of disconnection and distrust.” But pulling from behavioral psychology, social research, expert interviews, and his own self-reflections, Brooks is further convinced—and lays out a persuasive case—that deepening personal connections and mutual understanding will lead to a mentally healthier era of reduced extremism and stress.
“There is judgment everywhere and understanding nowhere,” he notes.
Breaking the book into three parts, Brooks first introduces the abilities we need to “see and be seen” personally and summarizes the avoidable high cost of “a disconnected culture,” from a societal breakdown in morality and ethics to increased depression, anxiety, fear, and anger. Many beliefs around close relationships are false. For instance, people generally think they are good at reading others, especially spouses, but myriad studies show otherwise, in part because people “lock into earlier versions” of an individual and don’t recognize when the person has or is changed.
He addresses some solutions in Part Two, “I Can See Your Struggles,” by highlighting ways we can be better present for family, friends, and colleagues in these difficult times and why America has gotten to this exhausting crest of high conflict and polarization. Within this disruption, people can choose to act as “Illuminators”—folks who exhibit “compassionate awareness of human frailty”—or as “Diminishers”—individuals who leave others feeling “inferior or ashamed.” Brooks inspires you to make the appropriate aspirational choice.
Part 3, “See You with Your Strengths,” is a fascinating look at research and analyses showing the important roles of ancestry, history, and modern culture to the development of people’s core selves, including their personalities, prejudices, and wisdom. Especially intriguing are Brooks’ insights into how the stories people recite about milestone moments in their lives demonstrate the shaping of their character, as well as why it is essential to consciously separate broad-brush data and biases about large groups such as urban versus rural residents from any attempts to understand a specific individual.
“The way I try to see you represents my moral way of being in the world, which will either be generous and considerate or judgmental and cruel,” he states.
Brooks is self-critical throughout his travelogue of truth-finding, acknowledging that his ego can interfere with his active listening and that he is better at asking “big questions” than pressing into personal details. He regrets what he sees as lost opportunities to move certain relationships onto more meaningful ground, but he restates his commitment to do better and give himself grace.
For those people who do open up to his thoughtful questioning, Brooks is “honored by their trust” and ever more convinced that “social connection is the number-one source of happiness, success, good health, and much of the sweetness of life.” In today’s climate of increased isolation and loneliness, he should feel satisfied that he has crafted a guidebook that readers should find universally valuable, relevant, and hopeful.
